There is no moment more extraordinary than this one 11/10/08

(I wrote this a week ago but was kicked off the net, so I saved it and still wanted to post)

I was thinking about how I wrote the post the other day about how perfect my trip to Sant Angelo di Brolo went. I was thinking about how we label things "good" or "bad" and this shapes our perception of the experience. What I am learning is that every moment is equally precious even when it does not appear so…

I arrived in Catanzaro yesterday afternoon after a six-hour train ride. I almost missed the second train, but a short encounter with one attendant saved me as she literally came to find me on the other train! The owner of the bed and breakfast picked me up...a beautiful and strong Calabresa named Rosanna. I was actually able to carry on a conversation with her, which was really exciting for me. Looks like those lessons are paying off :)

I explored the town a bit last night and then ended up coming back to the B&B and catching up on some e-mails. And this is when I start to ramble so get ready (and for those who have heard me go off about this so many times already, I do apologize J. But I have not written about how I have faced anxiety on my trip and this is something that I have wanted to do. Most everyone knows how I struggled with this for many years and that this trip was the ultimate in facing my fears. What I have come to, not just with this specific issue, but "my story" as a whole, is that I am becoming less and less identified. However, when it comes to feelings of anxiety I still have moments where I face 20 years of a particular pattern of thinking.

Last night I got into my head in a big way thinking about a situation in my life. I allowed myself to get so caught up I couldn’t sleep, which after a long day of travel and not feeling particularly well, resulted in waking up twice having some pretty intense anxiety. You add that to arriving at the train station this morning and discovering NO trains are running today because of a strike and you got yourself a...what do I do best at the train stations?...you guessed it…I had myself a breakdown! Lololol!

This is not the first time I have had anxiety on this trip...I am human after all...and most days I feel like I have a "normal" level. But there are many tools I have picked up along the way to settle myself down before I become overwhelmed. I am able to use cognitive techniques, affirmations, prayer, meditative techniques, but MOST important is my breath. Thus far I have not had to rely on anything outside of these tools and I do not believe I will again. If I ever felt differently and I thought I needed something more, I would do what was best for me in that moment.

I talk about this now because I know that there are so many people out there who are suffering from feelings of anxiety…maybe have even been diagnosed with a “disorder.” For people who have not experienced this it is hard to understand. I have tried to explain it many times to people as a constant feeling of fright…your heart is beating fast, your stomach is tight, you might have to go to the bathroom, you feel like you can’t breathe. But it is so much more than the physical presentation. It is a constant recording playing in your head that says "What if?" What if this, What if that…What if a million different things that include various situations, doubting yourself...literally who you are, obsession with events from the past or the future...a feeling of unsettledness dwells with you in a way that can feel impossible to shake. At one time I felt powerless over this vicious cycle…I believed I might never get well.

I now realize I was never “sick.” But that I had a lot of unresolved pain and stress that had been stored in my body. Anxiety was how it manifested and because of how sensitive I am it became extreme. I now feel that this experience was one of my greatest teachers…and continues to be. It alerts me to when I am out of alignment with my truth, or when I am not taking care of my body. Anxiety tells me to “pay attention.”

I believe in total healing and I believe that it is possible for any Being to find their way to that place. Each persons path is different and unique to their experience. But I truly feel that there is one incredibly important component and hopefully someday I will be able to find a way to create a research study about it, lol. That component is Belief. The moment I believed that I would “get well” everything changed. And today, I am here...in Italy...by myself, when only a few years ago I could barely leave my house...I am here. And I am learning that just like when my internal experience seemed like it was unchangeable my external experiences now can seem the same. In both cases it has proved to be about perception…about choices…about consciousness expanding.

My message to others who are going through a similar experience is that you are not defined by the pattern of thoughts you are thinking, or how you are feeling as a result…you are not the label of some diagnosis, or the medication you take…you are so much more…perfect, whole and complete…no matter what the appearance of the situation. You are a manifestation of the divine and because of this you have access to all of the abundance the Universe has to offer. This too shall pass. And when it does, you will love life infinitely more…live life infinitely better…be more Present than ever before.

So just as yesterday when the train attendant rescued me from the wrong train and I thought, "nature is so precise," I accept that the “good” moments are no different from the “bad.” As Rosanna and I drove from the station she turned on the radio and "Let It Be" was playing. As the tears of frustration became tears of gratitude I knew that this too, was an extraordinary moment.

Love, peace, and blessings.