Its just a night between two days...

This was what my good friend Tammy wrote to me about a week ago when I told her about having those moments while traveling when I felt like turning back. She included many other AMAZING quotes and insights that I was able to receive so deeply. Thank you Tammy, I love you!

The truth is that I have been dealing with vertigo while traveling for over a month now. It started when I was in Sicily, but I was determined to keep going. I was looking forward to being in India so much, and knew I could get treatment there. Of course, I also hoped that it would just go away. When I went to my cousins I rested a lot. I had some energy work done and started taking some supplements that have shown to help. Because of my inability to move my head around too much, my neck and back were in pretty bad shape. My cousin is a chiropractor, but she was unable to treat me because of the vertigo. She tried one time but I almost fell off her table when moving positions and that was the end of that...which was a bummer cause I was really looking forward to a good crackin, lol.

Still I was determined to keep going. And so I left her house and went to Florence. I was able to see Michelangelo's David...which completely lived up to the hype. Seriously, I just stood there admiring that sculpture for about 20 minutes. And because it is not tourist season I was able to do this with ease. I climbed the Duomo which was intense for me...even more than when Amelia and I went into the pyramids! It is this crazy tight circular stair case and then side ways and then you come out and you are in the basilica where there were some of the most gruesome depictions of hell I have ever seen! Seriously...I am glad I don't believe in hell, cause Florence would have been traumatic otherwise, lol. And then you go back into the walls of the structure and keep climbing...people are coming down and assuring you, its not much further and its "worth it." And then you get there and you agree...and together everyone enjoys the view together...and the fresh air...there is such camaraderie in experiencing situations like this with strangers. We did it...we made it...everyone is happy in that moment...the feeling of peace is tangible.

Thursday was my Thanksbirthday. I went to a beautiful church called Santa Maria della Croce per the recommendation of my friend Kirk...who by the way I have to thank for all his help when I was in Florence...I love you Kirk! Then I went to the Ufizi museum where I met a man in the ticket booth whose wife was also having her Thanksbirthday! He invited me to celebrate with them that night and I gave him my contact information but I never heard from him...I'm thinking maybe his wife wasn't too keen on him bringing some random woman over for Thanksbirthday dinner, lol. Its for the best though cause explaining to another Italian family that I don't eat meat and can't drink wine right now is never super fun.(I did go out to dinner with a woman in my hostel named Fairlie which was lovely :) I am fairly certain I missed most of this museum due to 1)not getting a map of the place 2) as much as I hate to say, vertigo makes it hard to move your eyes around a lot and 3)receiving a call from my cousin telling me that there was a terrorist situation in Mumbai.

So, I went back to my hostel to find out what was going on. I was supposed to leave for Mumbai on Monday. For about two hours I was kinda freaking out. I had organized my arrival to India so well. I had a hotel in Mumbai and another plane ticket to Trivandrum, where I would be picked up to go to Amma ji's ashram. Now there was so much re-arranging to do. I was looking at all my options on the net and even considered just flying to Bangkok first, but their airport was closed due to "civil unrest." Then I got a phone call from my uncle Johnny...who is like my father ...wishing me a happy birthday and asking me not to go to India. I knew that my family would be concerned, but I also felt that I had to make the decision I felt most comfortable with. I did not want to make a decision out of fear and the truth is that I still did not feel unsafe traveling to India.


What it ended up coming down to was my feelings of wellness. The vertigo had gotten worse since I left my cousins, and re-arranging my trip to India felt overwhelming. I also believe very strongly in how the energy around you effects your experience. I knew that I had a lot of fear energy surrounding me from my family. I also knew that as a result of the events, India herself was experiencing some shifts. In my heart I wanted to be present to contribute in a positive way. But I had to be honest with myself and ask, "Do you really feel up to this right now?" And the answer was no.

Once I decided to leave I felt that I must make it back for one of my best friend's weddings. So Friday I changed my ticket to come home Saturday. I left my hostel at 5 a.m. Took a train to the airport, a plane to London, and another to Dulles. My plane got in at 2 and with the help of my sister and my girl Jewel...I made it to Jenny's wedding at 5!

Being present for this moment in her life was so precious to me, and so worth all it took for me to get there. When I planned my trip I had to accept that I would miss this day...and just be with her in thought and Presence. But, I am so thankful that I was able to make it. I know for certain that Jenny is one of the most beautiful beings I have ever known. I could literally feel her heart...and the purity of it...the purity of the moment touched me so deeply. Thank you for being you Jenny...I thank God that you are in my life.

So what now? That seems to be the question, lol...and I realized as I got off the plane in Virginia that this will be another great test of being present in the moment. My first focus is to find complete healing from symptoms of vertigo and I believe that this will happen. My desire is still to go to India and I am trusting that the Universe will provide a way to get there when the time is perfect. Other than that, I am just appreciating being in my bed with my dog sleeping beside me...that my sister is just upstairs...that I feel so much love in my life. I am appreciating the fullness of what is right now...and not caring about what is not. And I am just so damn thankful.

Love, Peace, and Blessings

Great Blogs!

Two of my friends who are traveling in Italia also have blogs that are really wonderful.

My friend Becca who I made friends with in Sicily has her AMAZING photographs up on her blog. There is a hysterical one of me wearing the plastic tanktop and socks I created because the burrs were bothering me so much, lol...but seriously, she is so talented and since I have struggled with getting pics up, she has several from the farm I worked on in Sicily. donbecca.blogspot.com

I was also fortunate to spend time with a friend from Fairfield at the farm in Puglia...Amellia. Her blog is such a beautiful demonstration of her incredible spirit. The way she tells stories makes me laugh out loud! I am sure there will be many more good ones to come :). amelliaandcaitlin.blogspot.com

I have arrived in Florence...its been a long day of travel and I am ready for bed :)

Love, Peace, and Blessings

If you are not loving yourself, you are not loving God

After my second day in Catanzaro I boarded a train back to Puglia, to Omgarden, my first home in Italia. I was greeted by Marilina and my friend Amellia from Fairfield! It was wonderful being back on the farm and to have the opportunity to share this experience and cultivate a beautiful connection with Amellia was nourishing to my spirit. It was nice to be with someone who relates to me on so many different levels and who understands where I am coming from. I LOVE YOU AMELLIA!!! Thank you for all the laughter and tears...your pure, open spirit is inspiring to me :) Of course it was also nice to be with Marilina again. Each time we are able to connect again it feels like the interaction gains more depth and comfort.

So then I left for Milano to stay with my cousin Natalie, who I had only met once when I was 12 years old! We had talked on the phone a few times and she had been incredibly welcoming so I was eager to spend some time with her and her family. I could really go on and on about her...she is smart, beautiful, funny, real...so real. I was a bit nervous as to how she would receive my intention to go spend time with Amma. But she was soooo open and supportive, dropping me off and picking me up each day from the train station. Spending time with her family has been an incredible gift to me. Her husband Joe is also super cool and plays the best damn Nana from Peter Pan that I have EVER seen! Seriously, this guy is a great actor. They have a son named Anthony who is four and a daughter named Nicole who is two. Being around children is like food for my soul! And they are so beautiful and so brilliant.

I had planned to explore more while I was here, but instead have ended up resting quite a bit. I will come back to Italy so I don't feel like I have to cram every single thing in. I leave for Florence tomorrow and will spent a few days (my birthday is THURSDAY!) and then Friday will head back to Rome to get ready for my departure to India. I leave a week from today! HOLY MACKERAL!

I learn more every day about surrender. I have found that I am becoming more and more accepting of each moment of my life. I just finished "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I have savored this book, really taken my time with it, and I honestly feel it has been a transformational process. Although I spent the last year studying all the principles he discusses, I have focused on bringing consciousness into the world from the transcendent. Tolle shares how to bring it in from our waking state and makes it so applicable. Through my resonance with the knowledge he shares I have been able to make some positive decisions that have enabled me to avoid "drama" that I would have plunged right into before. I have been able to see myself more wholistically...to see who is operating...Is it my ego, or small self? or is it my true Self, the one that doesn't need to create suffering? What I have learned is, if it feels like I am being threatened, or disrespected, or hurt...when I am looking at someone elses actions as somehow personal to me...or anything that has to do with money or possessions...it is my ego that is screaming to be heard...the unconscious part of me that has lost sight of what really matters.

For me what matters is Love...God, Unity, Pure Consciousness...there are many names though none can really express the wholeness of it. Being able to discern and choose this aspect has enabled me to have a more honest love for the people in my life and a deeper sense of compassion. I realize that this, then, is a reflection of the love I have for my Self. The title of this post came from my summation paper at MUM. I can remember writing it and having a bit of an ah ha moment. I remember thinking, of course I love God...and as a creation of that source I am inseparable from it...

WOW! As I have written countless times in the book I just finished...SO BEAUTIFUL!!!

There is no moment more extraordinary than this one 11/10/08

(I wrote this a week ago but was kicked off the net, so I saved it and still wanted to post)

I was thinking about how I wrote the post the other day about how perfect my trip to Sant Angelo di Brolo went. I was thinking about how we label things "good" or "bad" and this shapes our perception of the experience. What I am learning is that every moment is equally precious even when it does not appear so…

I arrived in Catanzaro yesterday afternoon after a six-hour train ride. I almost missed the second train, but a short encounter with one attendant saved me as she literally came to find me on the other train! The owner of the bed and breakfast picked me up...a beautiful and strong Calabresa named Rosanna. I was actually able to carry on a conversation with her, which was really exciting for me. Looks like those lessons are paying off :)

I explored the town a bit last night and then ended up coming back to the B&B and catching up on some e-mails. And this is when I start to ramble so get ready (and for those who have heard me go off about this so many times already, I do apologize J. But I have not written about how I have faced anxiety on my trip and this is something that I have wanted to do. Most everyone knows how I struggled with this for many years and that this trip was the ultimate in facing my fears. What I have come to, not just with this specific issue, but "my story" as a whole, is that I am becoming less and less identified. However, when it comes to feelings of anxiety I still have moments where I face 20 years of a particular pattern of thinking.

Last night I got into my head in a big way thinking about a situation in my life. I allowed myself to get so caught up I couldn’t sleep, which after a long day of travel and not feeling particularly well, resulted in waking up twice having some pretty intense anxiety. You add that to arriving at the train station this morning and discovering NO trains are running today because of a strike and you got yourself a...what do I do best at the train stations?...you guessed it…I had myself a breakdown! Lololol!

This is not the first time I have had anxiety on this trip...I am human after all...and most days I feel like I have a "normal" level. But there are many tools I have picked up along the way to settle myself down before I become overwhelmed. I am able to use cognitive techniques, affirmations, prayer, meditative techniques, but MOST important is my breath. Thus far I have not had to rely on anything outside of these tools and I do not believe I will again. If I ever felt differently and I thought I needed something more, I would do what was best for me in that moment.

I talk about this now because I know that there are so many people out there who are suffering from feelings of anxiety…maybe have even been diagnosed with a “disorder.” For people who have not experienced this it is hard to understand. I have tried to explain it many times to people as a constant feeling of fright…your heart is beating fast, your stomach is tight, you might have to go to the bathroom, you feel like you can’t breathe. But it is so much more than the physical presentation. It is a constant recording playing in your head that says "What if?" What if this, What if that…What if a million different things that include various situations, doubting yourself...literally who you are, obsession with events from the past or the future...a feeling of unsettledness dwells with you in a way that can feel impossible to shake. At one time I felt powerless over this vicious cycle…I believed I might never get well.

I now realize I was never “sick.” But that I had a lot of unresolved pain and stress that had been stored in my body. Anxiety was how it manifested and because of how sensitive I am it became extreme. I now feel that this experience was one of my greatest teachers…and continues to be. It alerts me to when I am out of alignment with my truth, or when I am not taking care of my body. Anxiety tells me to “pay attention.”

I believe in total healing and I believe that it is possible for any Being to find their way to that place. Each persons path is different and unique to their experience. But I truly feel that there is one incredibly important component and hopefully someday I will be able to find a way to create a research study about it, lol. That component is Belief. The moment I believed that I would “get well” everything changed. And today, I am here...in Italy...by myself, when only a few years ago I could barely leave my house...I am here. And I am learning that just like when my internal experience seemed like it was unchangeable my external experiences now can seem the same. In both cases it has proved to be about perception…about choices…about consciousness expanding.

My message to others who are going through a similar experience is that you are not defined by the pattern of thoughts you are thinking, or how you are feeling as a result…you are not the label of some diagnosis, or the medication you take…you are so much more…perfect, whole and complete…no matter what the appearance of the situation. You are a manifestation of the divine and because of this you have access to all of the abundance the Universe has to offer. This too shall pass. And when it does, you will love life infinitely more…live life infinitely better…be more Present than ever before.

So just as yesterday when the train attendant rescued me from the wrong train and I thought, "nature is so precise," I accept that the “good” moments are no different from the “bad.” As Rosanna and I drove from the station she turned on the radio and "Let It Be" was playing. As the tears of frustration became tears of gratitude I knew that this too, was an extraordinary moment.

Love, peace, and blessings.

The legacy of a doorstep baby...

(had to add an important detail i forgot...this is a repost)

I called my aunt the day after I arrived in Cefalu. Sitting on the beach talking to her I wanted to know more about my grandfather. I did not feel a connection to him in Catania and this was dissappointing to me. I figured that my expectations might have been unrealistic, this desire to feel something different. What I discovered was that I had somehow made a mistake...that my grandfather was not from Catania, but was from a town called Sant Angelo di Brolo. Here I had spent all this time creating a way to be in the location my grandfather was from and I had gone somewhere else! I thought, I wonder where the hell this place is? I am supposed to leave for Calabria in a few days...how am I ever going to get there?

So I went on the net...and I discovered that the town was just over an hour from where I am staying. It is a province of Messina. After spending two hours trying to figure out how to get there by train and bus, as well as trying to figure out my transportation to Calabria I was in a bit of a tizzy. Yesterday I had a bit of a travelers meltdown, lol...it is difficult to navigate in a country where you have a hard time communicating. Thanks must be given to Jewel first for calling me and making me laugh and Jo for rescuing me in indecision once again, lol.

So after a bit of debate, I decided to rent a car and make my way to Sant Angelo Di Brolo. It is a small town on the mountainside overlooking the valley just a few kilometers from the ocean. I went to the cemetary and as I walked I kept asking for guidance. Before I even left I felt this strong presence of my grandfather and my father...who I miss desperately today. The next thing I know there it is...a stone with the Spurio surname. So I call my aunt again and ask her about it, and we began to talk about the family name. My great grandfather (we think, might have been great great) was a doorstep baby. He was taken in by a family with the last name Bonfiglio. We never understoon why he was not given their surname. My grandfathers full name was Carmelo Bonfiglio Spurio. What I found out in Calabria, sitting in the home of a Romainian family with my host, that Spurio literally means baby left on the doorstep. I began to cry right there...thinking of how we had always wondered about this, and realizing in that moment that my name carries the tale of my ancestors. Oh, and about two minutes after we got off the phone, I found a stone with Bonfiglio :) Then as I was about to leave the cemetary I look over at the landscape and my eyes naturally fall upon a stone that says, Carmelo Spurio. It was really something...spirit could not have been more generous with visual signposts.

I spent a bit more time exploring the town...I sat in the church and wondered if maybe he had sat in the same pew. I wanted to get back to Cefalu before dark so I began to drive back. I realized how close to the ocean I was, so I drove down to the beach. It was here where I felt the energetic shift. Suddenly I felt as though I could access my grandfathers life...even, his thoughts. I felt him within me in a way I never have before. And it was at this moment I decided to spread some of my fathers ashes...into the Mediterranean...with a view of the Aeolian Islands in front of me and the roar of the waves hitting the rocks beside me. I had planned to do this in Catania, but it never felt right. I am so glad that I listened...

Tomorrow I leave for the town my grandmother was from. Some day I will bring my family back here. It is a day I already anticipate with excitement and joy. Because we are three generations...living...because of a womans hope that her child might have a better life.

Love, Peace, and Blessings

When Consciousness rises...boundaries disappear

It is a good day to be a part of the world family! I have wanted to write about the election in America for some time. It has been nice in some ways to be away during this time as I have found the intensity of the political machine to be a bit upsetting in the past. Also, it is quite nice to be surrounded only by people who support the canditate you favor, lol.

Since being in Italy I have not met one person who has not expressed a desire to see Obama become president. Several people told me that they hoped the "Americans would get it right this time." I thought about how, even if there were many people in America who were not supporting Obama, the world consciousness was, and that this would certainly have a dramatic impact. I was also aware of many spiritual communities who were meditating and praying with the intent of supporting peace in our world. Because that feels like the biggest focus...why so many people wanted to see Obama become president. Because fundamentally I think we all want Peace...even those who have become so disconnected from there Self.

I have had several dialogues since I left about the disfunctions of government systems, not just in America, but all over the world. I know that the system in America has many problems, and that there are no quick fixes. But I hope that as the consciousness rises we will all be happy to see changes in a positive direction.

Today I celebrate alongside other Beings who support this shift and I am filled with the deepest sense of gratitude. I give thanks. And so it is!

Love, Peace, and Blessings

Talking Italian

Shortly before I left on this trip I spent some time in Pittsburgh, where most of my Italian relatives live. My aunt Josaphine asked me, "Do you talk Italian?" lol...After six weeks of living in Italy the extent of my Italian is best understood by the dogs...literally...I know how to tell a dog to "get out" like nobody's business :). So when I was trying to decide what to do when I left Casa del Acqua I happened upon a school in Sicily where I could study Italian. I am living in a little seaside village called Cefalu (pronounced with a Ch). I arrived from Catania yesterday evening and had my first lesson this morning. I was pleased to realize how much I had already picked up. Because it is the low season I have lucked out and am recieving one on one lessons, which is really nice. Guilia (prounounced Julia) is a great teacher, and I found myself thinking of my sistergirl Tamar several times during the lesson. She teaches english as a second language and I was touched thinking about how many people she has helped. I was fortunate to go to one of her graduation ceremonies this past summer and was moved to tears by her words and her presence.

I also have to give a shout out to the folks at Casa del Acqua, the farm I have lived on for the past two weeks. Nirav is the owner of the farm and was a wonderful host. Vittorio and Becca were my compadres in the olive harvest...and we all built a freaking fence! I thought it couldn't be done, lol...but I was wrong :) I love you guys soooooooooo much! Becca you are my girl for life!

I will write more this week but I must go for now. Ciao.

Love, Peace, and Blessings